Calvin Haynes: 5'9, 200
Calvin's big, hairy pecs brought to ruin by a deep-digging, double pec claw
No matter how big and bad you are: Jonny will ALWAYS be better
A crushed Calvin does his best Coppertone baby as he's dragged up for more punishment
Gear claimed, Calvin cowed, Jonny reigns with a victorious bicep flex
Jonny surveys the goods as he delivers a seated spanking to Calvin's hairy, beefy glutes
A Big One
Jonny executes 24 or 26 holds in this 33-minute match, depending on how you want to categorize iron claws and piledrivers, or the seven distinct holds in just the first eight minutes alone! We know. We counted them, and those are legitimate (or "mostly legitimate") grappling holds, not counting the myriad pro assault moves: punches, kicks, stomps, slaps, elbow drops, ball and/or crotch grabs, pec-twisting, and hair- and trunk-pulling. Among the holds, note the familiar: armbars, headscissors, crab holds, chinlocks, bow-and-arrows, torture racks, and a hobbling variation on the classic figure-four. But for some of the holds we're not sure there are even names! All together they comprise an impressive arsenal from hell. Each hold, each assault is more intricate and serpentine than the last, so creative is our Jonny in the malicious treatment of his opponents.
Best Submission 2016
Fortunately, we found a strong opponent to withstand these ordeals. In only his second BG East appearance, Calvin is brawny and hairy chested, every inch a man's man in the classic American style. Before the assault, even Jonny coos appreciatively, "The Boss sent me a big one today." Especially impressive are Calvin's biceps, like cannonballs those guns. In his unique blend of false modesty and window-shopping, Jonny takes in Haynes's generous expanse of he-manliness, handling the merchandise as he browses, as it were. A posing contest inevitably follows. Jonny both admires and tries to one-up the brawny rookie, taking pride in the fact that his traps (trapezius muscles) out-bulge Calvin's. And they do, considerably! Firestorm can't and won't admit his biceps are in any way inferior to his opponent's. But muscle envy is not what fuels this fight. Really and truly this contest is ultimately about cock. At the end of the posedown, to prove all "those rumors" true, Jonny stretches out the front of his black trunks to give Calvin a peek at his hidden forte.
Jonny springs his attack, humiliating Calvin in a headscissors, smashing the guy's face up to the legendary Firestorm firehose. Jonny begins with the basics like armlocks and scissors, showing off his versatility (and virility) in the fine art of hunkbashing. It's 100 percent Jonny's show for the first nine minutes. Then, tough Calvin strikes back. He whips Jonny across the ring to the opposite turnbuckle and wraps him in a tight bear hug. It's a short-lived hope spot. Jonny escapes and gets a three-count pin on Calvin. Minutes later, though, Calvin reapplies the bear hug with better results, grinding his fists to the small of Jonny's back, forcing Firestorm to tap out. Calvin proves that brawn trumps mouthiness, yet everyone knows it: Jonny will have the last laugh in this showdown, and it's going to be a long and hard one, like his... well -- you know.
Firestorm throws himself body and soul into the demolition of his opponents like nobody else on the BG East roster. At one point, he literally gnaws his way out of a seemingly inescapable chinlock. Beastly as this is, nothing ticks him off more than an opponent whose smug self-satisfaction implies that he might, for the moment, think he's better than Jonny. In Jonny's mind, this is Calvin. Throughout this 33-minute beauty of a beatdown, Firestorm repeatedly targets the big guy's crotch and firehose. Direct strikes on the rookie's manhood, he twists the middle and top ropes around Calvin's outstretched arms to hold the man in place while he strips the hunk down to his jockstrap. He covers Calvin's head with the trunks and pulverizes the man's vulnerable and bulging pouch. Hunkbash 18 may feature Jonny's most bizarre yet honest humiliation of an opponent ever! Yet to give credit where it's due, it takes two piledrivers to finish Haynes off. Two. This hunk is some kind of tough. Just, unfortunately, in the wrong place and definitely on the wrong side of big Jonny Firestorm.
Jonny like an anklebiter with a bone as he shakes the big muscle stud in an armhook, chinlock combo
Calvin bent back over the ropes as Jonny tears his pecs apart with a double claw
Jonny's all smiles like a kid at the fair with his 4-H Prize as he gathers up Calvin's package
Calvin's buffed, beefy bod bends beautifully in an over-the-knee backbreaker
Calvin humiliated with his trunks cum lucha mask as he's twisted and wrecked in a drawbridge
The results of Calvin's muscle advantage: Torture express to Rack City
Jonny Firestorm: 5'5, 160
Calvin catches the heel-king napping with a tight, reverse chinlock
It doesn't get much better than this: a cocky flex with a fishhook in a (sort-of) camel clutch
Jonny grins mischievously (maliciously) like a kid in a candy store (or heel in a hunkbash)
Calvin proves his muscles are for function as well as for show with a military press
Jonny whistles while he works, delighting in Calvin's cries of pain in the boston crab